Grief

Everyone deals with it differently.

Grief

Too often, it is my job to give the owner of a cat or dog the worst possible news.  I have been with people who were overcome by waves of crippling grief.  I have experienced deep grief myself, of course, having lost many cats and dogs over the years.  Although it is my job to be the bearer of bad news, I am not an expert in grief.  I find it hard to give advice about how someone should handle their grief because it effects people in such different ways.   Some people react with denial and avoidance, while other people can be completely overwhelmed with anticipatory grief when it is not yet certain their pet won’t be coming home.  They imagine the worst, becoming incapacitated with emotion, even if I tell them that over 70% of lost pets are found, one way or another, sooner or later.  Everyone’s grief is different, it seems to me.

In 1926, Virginia Woolf experienced a significant loss when her dog, Shaggy, died unexpectedly. Woolf was deeply attached to her pets, and Shaggy was her constant companion during her writing and reading sessions.

The loss of Shaggy had a profound impact on Woolf, and she wrote about her grief in several of her works. In her essay, "On Re-Reading Novels," Woolf discusses how the shock of Shaggy's death affected her ability to read and write. She wrote, "The shock of his death struck me in the middle of a sentence, and I have never since been able to read that sentence." Woolf also wrote about Shaggy in her diary, expressing her deep love and affection for him and mourning his loss.

Woolf's grief over the loss of Shaggy demonstrates the depth of the emotional bond that can develop between humans and their pets. The loss of a pet can be just as profound and impactful as the loss of a human loved one, and Woolf's writing about her grief helped to bring attention to the importance of acknowledging and processing the grief that can come with the loss of a pet.

Here are a few excerpts from Virginia Woolf's diary regarding the loss of her dog, Shaggy:

• "Shaggy died on Friday... My grief over Shaggy is heavier than I ever felt over a human being... I sit with his body laid out beside me, too unhappy to work, too unhappy to write letters, unable to do anything but mourn... It’s the depth of the love that I had for him, I suppose. That and the fact that he asked for nothing. I shall never have such a friend again."

• "I cannot get over my loss: still, it remains, a dull pain somewhere in my heart. Nor can I do anything at all. I am incapable of anything. I mourn my loss – I cannot concentrate, I cannot read, I cannot write. He lay on my knee when I wrote. He was always there. He never grumbled; he never bored me. I must have someone to stroke."

• "When I think of his patience in the face of suffering, his eager willingness to give pleasure, his exquisite sensitivity to praise and blame, I see that he possessed every virtue that man possesses, and in a higher degree than most men."

• "I cannot help believing that if I ever get to heaven, my Shaggy will be waiting for me."

I think about Kelsy every day.  Some people deal with the loss of a pet by not thinking about them very much.  As I have experienced, thinking about a pet who has died can trigger the recall of the exact moment that they died, which can be horrible to remember and relive.  When I think of Kelsy, I usually don’t find myself trapped in that worst moment.  I remember the searches we went on, or the other adventures.  We went hiking in the mountains, playing at the off leash park, and swimming in the lake at Luther Burbank Park.  I remember my actual life with Kelsy, and also our adventures in my novel about her, in which she is a brilliant dog with a microchip implanted in her brain, allowing her to communicate with people.  I feel the loss of her, to some extent, but mostly she just never left me.  She is always here with me.  She is my secular saint.  I plan to write about her in several upcoming novels.  I talk to Kelsy all the time.  If I’m not talking to her or picturing her nearby or remembering an adventure, I just feel her presence.

I’m not necessarily advising people that they should deal with grief by constantly remembering their lost cat or dog.  That may work for some people, but not for everyone.  You might wish to read a book on how to deal with grief when a pet dies, such as the following examples.  (Some of these titles would not appeal to me, but everyone deals with grief differently.)

"The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein - This novel is narrated by a dog named Enzo and tells the story of his life with his owner, a race car driver. The book explores themes of love, loss, and the bond between humans and animals.

"Dog Heaven" by Cynthia Rylant - This children's book is a gentle and comforting exploration of what happens to dogs after they pass away. It's a simple and heartfelt way to explain death to children and can be helpful for adults as well.

"The Loss of a Pet" by Wallace Sife - This book is a comprehensive guide to the grieving process for pet owners. It covers topics such as coping with guilt and depression, understanding the stages of grief, and finding support.

"Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet" by Gary Kowalski - This book offers practical advice and emotional support for pet owners who are grieving. It includes stories and anecdotes from the author's own experience with pet loss and provides guidance on how to honor and remember a beloved pet.

"Saying Goodbye to Your Angel Animals: Finding Comfort after Losing Your Pet" by Allen and Linda Anderson - This book includes stories from pet owners who have experienced the loss of a pet and provides guidance on how to cope with grief. It also includes a section on how to communicate with animals in the afterlife.

“Repairing the Heartbreak of Pet Loss Grief: 3 Phases of Healing after Losing Your Best Friend”  by C. Jeffrey.  This book talks about the science behind the human-animal bond, and why grief over a lost pet can be as great or greater than the loss of a human family member.

You may wish to try an online grief support group.  I have not tried any of them, and I don’t feel they would be a good match for me.  In particular, several of the groups I’ve found focus on The Rainbow Bridge, and also animal communicators talking to the souls of dead pets directly.  Both of these ideas are very annoying to me, because of my personal views and experience, but they seem to offer comfort to many people.  Even if I disagree with the underlying philosophy of some of these approaches, I wouldn’t deny such comfort to someone who has lost a pet, if it works for them.

One word of caution: be wary of scammers and predators in online groups. I have found that scammers target people who have lost their pets. Someone going through the loss of a pet can be very vulnerable, possibly having difficulty coping. Scammers seek to take advantage in these situations. Be cautious about giving out too much personal information online.

If you're seeking a therapist or counselor to help you deal with grief over the loss of a pet, (something I have not done,) here are some considerations to keep in mind:

1. Look for a therapist who specializes in pet loss: It can be helpful to work with a therapist who has experience working with people who are grieving the loss of a pet. You may want to ask if they have a specific focus on pet loss or if they have experience working with pet owners in the past.

2. Consider the type of therapy: There are many different types of therapy, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based therapy, and psychoanalytic therapy, among others. Consider what type of therapy might be best for you and your needs.

3. Look for someone who is compassionate and empathetic: Grief can be a very personal and emotional experience, and it's important to work with someone who is compassionate, empathetic, and non-judgmental. Look for a therapist who creates a safe and supportive environment where you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.

4. Check their credentials and qualifications: Make sure the therapist you're considering has the appropriate credentials and qualifications to practice therapy. Look for someone who is licensed or certified in their field.

5. Consider the cost and insurance coverage: Therapy can be expensive, so it's important to consider the cost and whether your insurance will cover it. If you're concerned about the cost, ask the therapist if they offer a sliding scale or other payment options.

6. Trust your instincts: Ultimately, the most important consideration is whether you feel comfortable with the therapist and whether you trust them. If you don't feel a connection or if you don't feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with them, it may be best to look for someone else.

I have a different attitude towards grief, which may not be a comfort to most people.  I find that grief tells you that you did something right.  If you are overwhelmed with grief sometimes, that means that you lost someone that meant the world to you.  You have lost a part of yourself.  I had experienced grief before Kelsy died.  My grandparents had died, and I missed them very much.  Tess died before Kelsy, and I was very sad about her.  Of course, many of our cats had died before I lost Kelsy.  The disappearance of our cat Charlie was a main motivating factor for Kelsy and I taking the training to find lost pets.  I knew Kelsy was going to die from cancer many weeks before the final day.  When she died, I was not prepared for the amount of grief I felt.  It was something much greater than the loss of other pets or family members.  I think this was because she was my working dog, my partner.  We had developed a bond much deeper than most people have with their dogs.  It was my job to read her body language, to know her, to know what she was thinking much of the time.  Kelsy was an extension of my senses.  I had built my life around Kelsy, my work and my writing and my daily experiences.  She ripped the heart out of me.  I think it was because I was so involved with her that I really was never able to let her go.  Since the day she died, I have thought of her every single day.  I’m sure I see at least one photograph of Kelsy every day.  Even if I didn’t, I could close my eyes and picture her in every detail.

As Kelsy was dying, Valentino came into my life.  I am absolutely, ridiculously in love with him.  In many ways, the deep loss of Kelsy has made me love Tino even more.  I have been very conscious of what a gift it is for a dog to let you into his life.  Tino is now my working partner, and, like with Kelsy, it is my job to pay attention to him, to observe him and know what he is thinking, as much as I can.  As Kelsy was dying, and after she was gone, I was acutely aware that I didn’t have enough pictures of her.  I have at least 20,000 pictures of Tino.  I have pictures and video of every day of his life, from a tiny little puppy born in our laundry room, to the 105 pound beast that he is today.  Although I try not to think about it too often, I am aware that some day I will bury Tino near Kelsy’s grave.  The four dogs I have now, Mu, Fozzie, Sky, and Tino, will all leave me someday.  I thinks it’s very likely that I will be overwhelmed with grief when I have lost all four of them.  I’m not sure how I would handle such grief.  I think I might prefer to be dead, to be in the ground with my family.  I plan to keep on living as long as I can, however.  I want to live a long life so that I can keep working, keep trying to make the world a better place.  I also want to live a long life so that I will always be able to keep my dogs alive in my mind.  I will think of them every day.  I know I will feel some grief, but it will be less than the comfort I will feel from holding them in my mind.

Although I am often present with people when they feel deep grief over the loss of a pet, I just don’t know the right way to guide them through that grief. When I say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” I truly am sorry, and I feel the words are inadequate. I have my way of dealing with grief, which probably isn’t right for everyone.  If you are feeling deep grief over the loss of a cat or a dog, all I can say is that it is a good thing, ultimately.  It means you loved that boy or that girl deeply.  I don’t wish you pain, but if pain is the price of love, then it is worth it, every time.